I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
Randomize
