3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
Randomize
