i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Randomize
