last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
Randomize
