ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
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