and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
