you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
ttyl tear gas
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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