I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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