I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Randomize
