i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
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