It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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