I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
Randomize
