The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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