after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
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