He disabled his match.com account in front of me
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Randomize
