Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
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