if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Success! We fucked roommates!
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
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