Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
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