I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
