There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
