Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Your topless pictures make me question reality
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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