Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
