if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
Randomize
