i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
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