I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
