i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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