Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
