Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
Error 1684C: You're last text was undeeliverable. Subscriber is our to the aera.
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
Randomize
