my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
