Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Randomize
