I just hope this isn't happening Final Destination style
Travis Barker would totally be Devon Sawa in this scenario
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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