White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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