i jhust puked up my retainher.
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
Randomize
