I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Randomize
