did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
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