It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
The uberlube is also flammable
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
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