Ambien. No doubt about it.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
