Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
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