i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
