I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
she peed on how many people?
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Randomize
