I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
Randomize
