shes about as inviting as chlamydia
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
This is the high leading the old right now
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Randomize
