I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
Randomize
