why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
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