then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
