sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
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