haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
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