the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
How external is "for external use only"?
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
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