i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
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