i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
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