you turned your livingroom into a bong?
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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