god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
Randomize
