I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
Randomize
