ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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