I'm gonna have a badass scar
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
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