girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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